And so...

Scout's comment reminded me to say how the energy work appointment actually went.

I was on time (whew!) and then we spoke a bit about my homework--noting how often I "yes, but" the world (often). Then I laid on her table while she touched my feet, then my sacrum, then my skull, then it was over. That was about 45 minutes of deep calm, but the minute she moved away my mind leapt up. The feeling was abandonment--by this woman I've spoken to three times. Great, I thought, not fixed.

The rest of my day was fairly easy, so when I ran into a woman I barely know who was very upset about her boyfriend, I took the time to listen. She was frustrated with herself for acting in ways that alienated him; she didn't want to be that person but felt she couldn't help it. It felt like I was listening to myself. From out of nowhere I found myself telling her what I know is true--that we are not running the show. She was in that dance with someone else, and while of course change is possible, one person can't make it happen. And just like that I saw that indeed there had been a deeper shift, because I could see how true and simple this was. I woke up, reminded myself of this fact, and have since set about doing what's in front of me, keeping in mind I'm not in charge. So far so good. For now.

Energy Work

I have some disdain for the phrase "energy work," and all things related to it. Like Reiki. Hey, I'd be happy to stand over you and push the air around. Sixty dollars please... And yet, today I'm off for some energy work. At more than 20 years logged in on a real effort at a spiritual journey, there remain in my life many many many nonspiritual aspects. Being judgmental, for instance. But here's the thing, I have met loads of people who claim to work with your energy field, and for the most part they all say the same thing. It works if you believe it works. Uh, that sounds a little too close to Christian Science for me. Of course if you believe you're going to benefit from the air pushing, I do believe you can feel better as a result. And for the most part, I don't think people doing this work are shysters. I believe they believe. But I've come to a point in the road where trudging the same old direction just isn't working. I'm afraid to give up being judgmental--I mean, what the hell am I gonna say at all?--but I'm willing to at least see what she says. During the course of our conversation this woman didn't ask me to believe anything, but I experienced a shitstorm of emotions. And the next day I felt better than I had in a while. But feeling better temporarily isn't enough, or I'd go back to drugs. I don't just want to hush the voices of the sniping inner committee, I want to turn them into cheerleaders. Guess we'll see.

The bird looks outward to the sky...spreads its wings...takes flight.

Lower East Side Stories:

Down and Out in New York City

Hosted by H.R. Britton

Thursday April 16 at 6:30 PM

You’ve probably been there before – sleeping on a friend’s couch, last dollar spent, hoping tomorrow’s audition or interview will finally jumpstart your life. Our storytellers certainly have. Join us for tales of life on the margins and real people trying to make it in the big, bad city. As always guests are welcome to share their own three-minute tales of tough times in the Big Apple. Storytellers include Avner Kam, Lisa Kirchner, Faye Lane, and Marie Mundaca.

I'll be talking about Living the Dream in New York City and what it taught me about love.

• Tenement Talks is an evening series of lectures, readings, panel discussions, films, and other programs that provide historical and contemporary perspectives on New York City’s rich culture. Become a Fan of Tenement Talks on our Facebook page!
• All events are held at the TENEMENT MUSEUM SHOP, 108 ORCHARD STREET at Delancey, unless otherwise noted. Seating is limited and available on a first-come, first-serve basis.
• To reserve a signed copy of any book featured in our series or ask a question about an event, email events@tenement.org.