My love/hate relationship with religion...

That's me on the bus after a three-day silent meditation, blissful look owes to air-con on board. Not that the meditation had no effect. Vipassana is what the technique is called, and it's very appealing to a religi-phobe such as myself. No visualization, no imagination, just deepening awareness of the sensations in your body. It's amazing what 12 hours a day of sitting will do to the "sensations" in your body. The first time I did it I wanted to KILL someone. Of course I'd just gone through a very rough divorce and had no address other than the ashram itself. But even beyond that this experience was different. I got to the place where my body felt as if it had melted off of me and I was just a mass of sound waves and vibration. For a few seconds anyway. It was worth it, but I never need to do it again.

I love this as a tool, but it struck me as an extremely masochistic activity (ok, owing in no small part to the place itself, dorm accommodation, shared bathroom, bucket shower). But no matter where you go the routine is this: They wake you up at 4am. No food after noon. They keep you awake till 9:30pm. No speaking, reading or writing. YIKES.

What I saw very clearly this time was anxiety, and how that fear is part of my essence and communicates for me. Again, worth it. But it was impossible not to notice that when the teacher talked to the female students he emphasized "weak mind," whereas with the male students he talked about "defilements." This may well be Indian culture, but I don't have to accept it. In January two women were beaten up outside a pub in Mangalore, and there is public hue and cry to close pubs. At one point to defend women, it was deemed that women should leave work by 6pm. Hmmm. Already bars close at 11 and dancing has been outlawed in Bangalore. This is only sort of a digression, part and parcel of my love/hate relationship with religion. But now I must catch a plane to Goa....