The above is a direct quote out of my journal this morning, not so carefully constructed. I try to write stream of consciousness for 15 minutes every morning. It’s been some of my best work and most creative imagining. Not that this is an example of that… I just mean it. I wish people talk more.
The reason I like talking on the phone is because it’s hard. I can’t edit like a text, and so you see the real me. Because when it’s always a carefully constructed bit of language – I am lost. I don’t even know who I am anymore, and so I try to present this version of myself which I’m unsure of to begin with, because it’s a reflection. That image comes from a place of wanting to connect, but already the disconnect is there. I don’t know who that person is that I’m trying to be exactly, and so I end up feeling abandoned. So I need to talk. It’s how I can trust not just you, but me.
This weekend I was meditating on my porch before 8am and my neighbor came out and started talking loudly on his phone and smoking. The nerve! I started strategizing immediately. Should I say something? What would I say?? When? Then remembered I was meditating, back to the breath… The wife joined in. Don’t they realize the time?! I should go in! I’m not going in! Remembered I was meditating, dropped into my body, felt the tight chest… realized, what luck! My neighbor my teacher!! Here was an opportunity to work directly with anger while it was happening in meditation. Now I can’t wait for it to happen again! 🙏🙏🙏
This is the “why” of my practice. I meditating, to wake up again to see challenges in my life from a more subtle perspective. To ease up and not be an asshat. Thankfully, the teacher I actually call on reminds me to never be discouraged. “You can’t do anything about it til you see it.” But you do have to look.